Romance In The Workplace

Dear Debbie,

What do you think about office romances?

My short answer is that is it best to keep work relationships professional and to stay away from romance if you possibly can. However, having said that, sometimes things just happen when you work closely with someone in a demanding environment. Many successful personal relationships and even marriages have started as working relationships. Let’s face it, when you spend the majority of your time with the same people and you get to know them well, you inevitably like some more than others. We are, after all, human.

So while I suggest that you try not to complicate your professional life by mixing in a personal relationship, let me give you the dos and don’ts if you just can’t avoid it or if you’re already in an office romance. When you first sense that a relationship is clearly budding into something serious with someone in your immediate workgroup, I suggest that one of you begin immediately to try to transfer out of the group. The first step to take is to separate your working relationship from your personal relationship, especially if one of you is senior to the other.

If you are peers, it is not quite as complicated but it’s still not a good idea to work together. Resentment as well as issues of favoritism and unfair practices can, and usually will, arise when there are personal relationships within the workplace. These issues can have an adverse impact on reputations and can even derail career paths.

People love to talk, and a budding romance in the office is fabulous fodder for the gossip mill. Don’t let yourself be the target of rumors and innuendo that ultimately can negate your hard work and deter your long-term success. If you don’t wish to change your personal relationship, then it’s generally best for one of you to change jobs.

Preparing For Promotion

Dear Debbie,

My boss is planning to retire next year, and I know that several of us in the department will apply for his position. We all have about the same qualifications and experience. What can I do to make myself stand out from the pack?

Don’t assume that everyone knows you are interested in the position. Have a discussion with your boss and ask for his insight about being considered or recommended. Depending on the grade level of his position, there may be a formal succession plan in place, or at least some criteria that has been established, for selecting his replacement. If there is, you need this information so that you aren’t sitting on the sidelines assuming that it’s an even playing field when it may not be.

You also need to talk with your peers and other associates to evaluate the level of support you have for the position and what their thoughts are about his replacement. This may give you some information about what you may need to do in order to compete once the time comes.

In the meantime, work to stand out by going above and beyond in your regular duties and by accepting extra assignments, if possible. Volunteer to work on committees, task forces and community projects. Make sure that you are seen as someone who seeks solutions and consensus, and as someone who has strong leadership abilities.

Communication Skills

Dear Debbie,

In my last two performance evaluations, I've been told that I need to improve my communication skills, but I haven't been given many specifics on what I need to do. Can you help me with any general workplace communication pointers?

I encourage you to ask for more specific feedback that defines which communications skills are lacking as well as suggested improvements that you could take immediate action to implement. You might request another brief follow-up meeting with your manager to seek the information as well as to let your manager know that you are taking constructive action to address the concerns.

In the absence of specifics from your evaluating manager, I would suggest that you seek input from your peers and other managers as to how they see you and your communications skills. There are very specific behavioral styles that dictate the way people communicate and receive information, both at work and in their personal lives. Some styles tend to mesh better than others. Gaining an understanding of your style can help you see how others perceive you and how you might adjust your approach when interacting with other styles.

For example, if you are a strong, results-oriented person and you are working primarily with more methodical, detail-oriented individuals, you may be perceived as being abrasive and pushy which is not entirely the case. So, get input from those who know you well and who have observed your communications skills in action. Put it all together to assess how you are coming across and what you need to do to improve.

There are several really good behavioral based assessment tools that I use with clients that are extremely effective in improving workplace communication. See if your organization has access to similar instruments. With the right information and some effort on your part, you can form new and better communication skills and habits.

One more thing – be sure to document the steps that you have taken to improve so that you can present your actions to your manager at your next performance review.

Leadership Traits

Dear Debbie,

In your opinion, what are the most important traits for a leader to have? Are these qualities the same for men and for women?

The most important traits for a leader to possess – and exhibit – are integrity, courage, a high level of emotional intelligence, and great communication skills. Of course, there are many other characteristics of a good leader, but these are the main ones that come to mind.

The first two traits on the list, integrity and courage, should be givens in the business world but unfortunately they do not apply to everyone who rises to a leadership position. Part of integrity and courage is having the ability to be honest with yourself and others at all times and in all situations. It takes integrity and courage to always do what you think is right, especially in the absence of parameters or guidelines, which you will likely experience with time in any leadership position. And, it particularly takes integrity and courage to do the right thing when people are trying to persuade you otherwise.

Many times, doing the right thing without a precedent also takes a tremendous amount of emotional intelligence and mental toughness which not everyone possesses. A high level of emotional intelligence enables you to behave decisively and calmly, even under the most difficult circumstances. Leaders simply must be able to separate feelings from facts.

To be effective, these qualities must be combined with the ability to communicate clearly to and with all types of people, regardless of their backgrounds, positions, and goals. Poor communication ability has stalled many careers. If you aren’t a strong communicator, chances are that you will not be a strong leader.

I think you’ll find that these traits apply to all great leaders, regardless of gender.

Mentoring

Dear Debbie,
A young woman at my company has asked me to mentor her and I've agreed. I've never mentored anyone before...do you have any advice for me?

She’s given you a great compliment by asking for your help. It is obvious that she admires you, looks up to you, and wants to learn from you. Mentoring can and should be very rewarding for both the mentor and the mentee and many times can lead to long-term, successful professional relationships. Think of this as an opportunity for you to grow as well a chance to positively impact another person’s career.
Look at the reasons why she has asked you to mentor her and find out where she specifically feels she needs guidance. I would start with a general discussion to find out how long has she been in the organization (if you don’t already know), her education and experience, and whether she needs advice on career opportunities or whether she is looking for a better understanding of what additional technical skills she may need to develop. These are the types of questions which will lay the groundwork for you to know what kind of specific help and guidance she is seeking.
A mentoring relationship should be one in which there is mutual respect and trust, and confidentiality is a must. Remember, your advice and guidance will help shape her thinking and will ultimately influence her future career path. My mentoring experiences have been very rewarding and afforded opportunities for my own growth as well as a chance to help others to grow. Be sure to watch for your own chances to develop through this special relationship.
Keep in mind that there will be times when simply listening is your primary role. Let your mentee talk through situations and decision making processes. There may be situations in which you simply offer your support and affirmation while other times you may be asked to provide input regarding difficult challenges. Keep in mind that you are the more experienced person in the relationship, and sharing your expertise is how your mentee will learn.
As I mentioned in a previous post about executive coaching, a mentoring relationship usually has fairly broad objectives. Be yourself, share the wisdom and knowledge that has supported you in your success, and you will be a fabulous mentor.

Handling Difficult Directives

Dear Debbie,
I've been given a directive from my boss that I don't support. My team isn't going to like it, either. How do I deal with this in an honest way with my employees and yet be loyal to my boss and the company?

This is a tough situation that all leaders will find themselves in at some point in their careers. My first advice is to get as much information from your boss as you can. What is the rationale behind this directive? Is it strictly a business decision? Have all aspects of the directive been thought out thoroughly? Are the consequences clearly defined? Why do you oppose it and why will your team oppose it?
Gathering all the information that you can about the background of an unpopular directive will help you better explain and support it. If you remain adamantly opposed to it and cannot, after gathering all the facts, give your full support, think about whether you want to state your position to your boss in a one-on-one discussion with her or him. Maybe it truly is something that she or he has not thought through and your voice could give additional reason to the situation, perhaps even helping her or to shift their course of action.
Ultimately, it is your responsibility to execute the directive in a way that does not undermine your boss or company whether or not you support it. With your team, you should stand up and state the reason for the directive, explain all the facts, and stay focused on any upsides to carrying out the directive. You should never state to subordinates that you are being forced to implement a directive or that it is not your decision. Once you get to the point of conveying the instructions to your team, you should clearly take responsibility for doing so without ‘laying blame’ on others just because it is potentially unpopular. There will always be some positives in any situation, so identify and stress those. Especially in unpopular messages, always give your subordinates the ‘big picture’ explanation behind a directive, letting them know why it is important to the business and to the long-term success of the organization.
These are always difficult situations when you deal with them for the first time, but like everything else, with practice and a experience in navigating such problems you will handle tough directives with greater ease and success in the future.

Handling Anger in the Workplace

Dear Debbie,
What's the best way to handle anger in the workplace? Sometimes people and situations just make me plain mad and I know that I let it show.

First and foremost, while you are in the moment that angers you, it is imperative stay calm. Try not to let your anger show. If necessary, walk away from the situation and give yourself time to gain your composure before you attempt to address the situation. Reacting to any workplace situation in the heat of anger almost always ends in regrets.
Next, prepare yourself for situations and circumstances that have the potential to make you angry. Know yourself and know when, where, and who might provoke those feelings in you. You may not be able to avoid the people and issues that make you mad, but you can plan how you might react and what you might say. For example, think about a particular person with whom you interact who tends to trigger your anger. When you are in a calm and contemplative mode, work through a mental exercise of how this person makes you angry and envision ways in which you could better handle such a situation. Mentally prepare actions that you can take to keep your cool externally regardless of how much you feel like exploding internally.
Emotional intelligence and maturity are critical traits in leaders and professionals. Being able to control your emotions in volatile situations is a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity, and is something that you must learn about and practice regularly. As you rise to greater levels of responsibility and have more people reporting to you, this skill and trait will be every bit as important to your career as your technical skills are.
Remember, an outburst of anger will only serve to damage your reputation and will not serve to accomplish much other than that. Sometimes, reacting angrily can do irreparable damage to a a career. Recognizing that you have a problem with anger is the first step toward making constructive changes to deal with it. Good luck and keep working on developing your emotional intelligence and maturity.