Dear Debbie,

 I am twenty-seven years old and have just been assigned to my first management position at the company I've been with since college.  What advice do you have for a young, female manager who's just starting out?

First and foremost, be true to yourself and to those you lead.  Seek input and solutions from your team members, not just from your peers and superiors.  Always remember that you want your team in your corner because that is who will contribute to your long-term success.  It’s very important to start cultivating these relationships right away.

Remember, you will make mistakes along the way, so commit to learning from them when you do. (I like to say that you should never waste a perfectly good mistake; each one should always teach you something!)  Don’t hesitate to admit that you may not always know all the answers, especially as you get started.  People will appreciate your honesty and will be willing to help you.

Always make it a point to mend any strained relationships as soon as possible. Burned bridges at this stage can haunt you for a long time. Since this is your first management position, keep in mind that you must earn the respect and the trust of those you lead, which in turn will create a personal power for you and will build your reputation as an effective leader.

This an exciting time for you, full of opportunities and challenges.  Good luck!

Dear Debbie,

I have just accepted a relocation position with my company to take over a branch that has been male dominated for many years.  Tensions are high, and it's apparent that I'm not being welcomed, either by my subordinates or by my peers.  Can you help me?  

This can be especially tough for female managers because it will really test your emotional and mental capabilities. Since you’ve recently relocated, chances are good that you don’t yet have a reliable support system in place.  You want to build allies one-by-one as quickly as you can, always maintaining your cool composure and calm demeanor.  (The old “never let ‘em see you sweat” adage applies here!)

Make it a point to talk with your team and your peers regularly and forthrightly, giving them the opportunity to see who you really are. Share with them your leadership philosophy and what you would like to see accomplished in the organization. And most important, let them know that you need their support to achieve the company’s goals and to make the branch successful.  Bring them to your side of the aisle individually with cool strength, competent decisions, and a clear message.

Another old adage applies here as well – “kill ‘em with kindness!”  You’re going to have to walk a fine line between being strong and holding people accountable without being too aggressive.  In a situation like this, you truly have to be tough as nails emotionally and mentally to get through it and to become stronger for it.

You’re also going to need patience.  I know, because I was once in a situation almost identical to the one you describe.  It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun – but it ended up being one of the most rewarding management experiences that I ever had.  I learned a lot about people, about leadership and about myself.  You will, too!

Dear Debbie,

I have been promoted to a management position, and am now in the position of managing some women who have been my close friends.  How can I get them to look at me as their manager while still preserving our relationships?

This is definitely a good news/bad news scenario. The good news is that your new team knows you and they obviously like you.  The bad news is that you are now in a position to hold them to a standard of performance that not everyone may like.  Although you didn’t mention it, there may also be some level of jealousy or resentment because you’ve been promoted over them.

I think that you should bring them all together for a frank discussion of the situation in a group setting. Start out by addressing the topic of your friendship and let them know how valuable their friendship has always been to you and still is. Stress that you need their support now more than ever.  Ask them to understand that you are in a new position where, to be fair, you must separate friendships from work relationships.

You should ask them to work smart and hard for you, and pledge to keep the lines of communication open at all times.  Help them understand that you will treat them all fairly and equally while working toward your goals in the workplace. It would be a good idea to address the subject of favoritism and to let them know that you will view them all as equals on the team going forward.

Give them a forum to express their feelings as well as any fears or apprehensions that they may be having.  Make it clear that you expect to be a winning team, supporting each other along the way.  Let them know that you are the same person that you’ve always been; only now you have a new set of responsibilities that you take very seriously.

Dear Debbie,

I'm a woman in my mid-forties who's stuck in middle management.  I've applied for several upper management positions, in my company and outside, but haven't been successful and have rarely been called back for second interviews.  Do you have any advice for me to help me advance to the next level.

First, you need to put together what I refer to as a “personal board of directors.” This is a small group (four to six, maybe more) of people who you admire and respect and who will give you honest input and feedback when you ask. This group should be comprised of both men and women representing a variety of backgrounds both inside your organization and from outside. You want successful professionals who understand how to navigate a career and who have more experience than you do.

These should be people with whom you are comfortable talking about almost anything, and people from whom you feel comfortable receiving constructive criticism. Go to them and ask how they see you and why they see you perhaps being stuck.  Resolve to be thick skinned; you want to hear any negatives about yourself so that you can turn them into positives.

Research has shown that there are specific actions identified as “career derailers” that can hinder men and women in middle management. I suggest that you understand what those derailers can be so that you’ll know if you’ve hit one.  In addition to your personal board of directors, have at least two mentors to help guide you – one within your organization and one outside of your organization, preferably one female and one male. You can have more, but two will be the most effective. Work with your mentors on developing the areas that you have identified as derailers or weaknesses.

Last, more and more women are seeking out executive coaches and this may be a viable option for you at this time in your career.  This type of one-on-one coaching can be extremely productive for professionals in your situation.

Don’t give up!  I think it’s a great sign that you are seeking self-improvement, that you have identified the problem and that you are taking steps to move forward. All these actions are traits of a good leader.

Dear Debbie,

How have you been able to balance your work and family life? I'm having a hard time!

This is the proverbial question that I get from professional women everywhere I go.  It tells me that this is a universal struggle for women at all stages of their careers.

My first and most important response is that work/life balance is not a “one size fits all” solution. The definition of balance is very individual and personal. I always encourage women to closely examine what is important to them and to define what it means to them to have balance.

I have found that most women are caught up in trying to fulfill the work/life balance scenario that has been defined for us by external forces.  For example, we’ve been told that work must be filled with  regular promotions and kudos, that families must be perfect and happy, and that we should feel perpetually fulfilled, rested and happy, too.  Whew! This is enough to make anyone tired . . . and frustrated . . . and disappointed.

So, look at your own set of circumstances and see what works for you today. Life fluctuates and we need to be flexible in our approach and expectations.  Maybe for a couple of years you have to take an easier assignment at work so you do not have to travel and can be with your children in the afternoons.  If so, be sure to stay well connected during this period and make sure that everyone knows you are not off the fast track but are cruising the sidelines, devoting more time to things outside of work for now . . . but not forever.

On the other hand, women in their forties and fifties may find tremendous freedom and more time once the children are leaving the nest, so they can put more into their work and go for the gold at this point in their careers. 

The bottom line is to define what success means to you. What fulfills you?  What makes you sing?  What truly makes you happy at this time in your life?  Great leaders will respect and admire you for your ability to define your priorities, and will see it as a strength that you can make tough choices.    

Dear Debbie,

 I've just been promoted to a management position.  Should I put photos of my family in my office?  Some books say it's not a good idea for women to do that. What's your opinion?

I don’t like starting my answer with “it depends” but it really does depend. There is something called situational leadership, which means that you have to assess your environment, the culture of the group you are in, and what the norms are for that group.

For example, if you are in a manufacturing/operational role where the setting is sparse and it’s not common to see anything of a personal nature in offices, then you have to ask whether it would be the right move to display family photos. On the other hand, in other business environments it may be the norm to see plaques, photos and personal items in offices and it would be perfectly fine to exhibit some yourself.  A good suggestion would be to look at the office of your immediate superior and at the offices of your new management peers, see what they do and follow suit.

By the way, I do not think that gender dictates whether you should display family photos. What’s good for the man is good for the woman in this situation. At the end of the day, do what makes you happy as long as you don’t go overboard and aren’t violating any organizational policies or rules. There are some businesses that do not allow personal items to be displayed, so be sure to know what the guidelines are for your particular organization.